The Professional Juror Act

The Professional Juror Act
My fellow Americans, our judicial system is one of the greatest on Earth. But it could be even better.

It has been joked many times that the foundation of our judicial system is based on the opinions of 12 people who were not smart enough to find a way to get out of jury duty.

I'm sure each and every one of you out there has thought to yourself, upon hearing a verdict, "What's wrong with these idiots? How did they get THAT verdict?"

I know I have.

Has you or somebody you know ever been called to jury duty and relieved when they managed to get out of it?

It seems to me that the idea of a jury of your peers was a good thing 200 years ago. In our far more comlplex society of today, however, I think there may be a better way.

Do you understand what makes a DNA sample good or what makes it questionable? Are you an expert in ballistics, or could you understand the concepts or implications of certain factors if they were explained to you by an expert? Can you tell the difference between somebody who is insane and somebody who is just a very messed up individual? And if you think that you can do all of these things, how much faith do you have that the average person called to jury could do the same?

Today, law enforcement is using technology that our founding fathers could have never even dreamed of - and if they did, they probably would have been nightmares. But what's more, this technology may be beyond the comprehension of the average American.

Additionally, people today are far busier than they were 2 centuries ago. The burden of being called for jury duty can be stressful for anybody.

My proposal is to create a system of professional jurors. The professional juror pool would be a diverse group of people that would span all demographics - age, race, sex, socioeconomic class - and would consist of educated people specializing in criminal justice and the various disciplines that may come into play in a trial.

The Against Capital Punishment t-shirt from MG Apparel.

This system would ensure that the jury for any given case would contain at least a few, if not twelve, people that understand any kind of detail that might be brought up in a trial.

And it will eliminate the draft system we have in place today.

I myself have been called to jury duty in two weeks. How do I plan to get out of it? The Against Capital Punishment t-shirt from MG Apparel. If that doesn't get me out of it, our judicial system is in worse shape than I thought, and you need to get me into the Oval Office today.

End the war today.

My fellow Americans, today I would like to talk about war.

As I'm sure you all know, for quite some time, America has been fighting an increasingly difficult war.

It is a war against an enemy that is not always easy to see.

It is a war that does not confine itself to any form of national boundries.

It is a war that an increasing number of Americans believe that we can not win.

It is a war that is costing taxpayers billions of dollars.

It is a war that is sometimes compared to similar war fought several decades ago and was lost.

It is a war that is taking the lives of young Americans, and is disproportionately affecting the lower class and minorities.

Yes, my fellow Americans, I am talking about the war on drugs. For many years, our country has been fighting a losing war against the use and distribution of illegal drugs, and while I do believe that drug abuse is absolutely wrong and something we should fight to prevent, I also believe that the way we have gone about discouraging this is completely wrong.

The lessons learned from prohibition seem to be completely lost on this generation. The war on drugs is a noble cause, however the way it has been fought has been incredibly ineffective.

Our laws state that it is illegal to produce, possess or distribute certain substances, but that has not in any way stopped certain elements within our borders, and in other nations as well, from doing so. And our laws have produced a very favorable supply/demand ratio for these elements, making the trade of these substances quite lucrative.

Our resources are now forced to fight these elements - drug cartels, gangs, small scale dealers, right down the users. Police forces are stretched to the limits and put at great risk fighting these well organized and very well funded rings. Our prisons are over-crowded with people that would not be filling up our prison systems if the chance to make such easy money were not there.

My solution to this has been thrown around by others many times, and it is always viewed as quite controversial, but I do believe it is the best solution. My solution is the decriminialization of the majority of today's illegal drugs.

Do not get me wrong here. I am not looking to a surrender in the war on drugs. In fact, I would look at this more along the lines of using nuclear weapons in the war on drugs.

For decades, we have been using police, military, intelligence agencies, and countless dollars to fight gangs and drug cartels who are profiting enormously today. With one stroke of a pen, I can destroy these cartels. With the decriminalization of these drugs, those that we have been fighting for decades lose everything.

As a result, our police will have a lot less work to do. Our prisons will become less crowded with low level offenders, making room to allow for longer sentences for people that truely need to be locked away. Our federal and local budgets will have a huge burden lifted from them.

MG Apparel's Warning shirt

Additionally, if produced legally in the United States, the cost of these drugs would be miniscule when compared to today's prices. That difference would be covered in an enormous exise tax on these drugs, keeping most of them at current street prices.

This means that not only are we not wasting enormous amounts of resources on this fight, we have also produced a rather substantial revenue stream.

With one stroke of a pen.

This would create the resources needed to fight this war correctly - eliminate the strong, and attempt to treat the weak.

If you agree that this is a great solution to this problem, you may wish to further fund this campaign by purchasing the "Warning" shirt today.

Thank you for your continued support.

The Standard Time Abolishion Act

My fellow Americans, I'm 15 minutes away from the weekend now. I'm thrilled at the fact that next week, when I leave work, even if I leave an hour late, as frequently do, the sun will not have set yet.

However, it does bring up two questions:

First, why do I have to lose an hour of my weekend to achieve this?

And second, why don't we just do this all year long?

One of our great founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin, came up with the idea that starting and ending your day earlier could give a person more daylight, and also save them many candles burnt, as that was the primary source of light after sundown in those times. This was also the origin of the phrase, "Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise."

Well, why do we only want to be healthy, wealthy and wise in the spring and summer? Quite frankly, I'm a little tired of not feeling so healthy in the winter months. And I won't be so

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foolish to suggest that leaving the clocks at daylight time will change that, but surely it couldn't hurt to see the sun a little bit more, ESPECIALLY in the winter.

This is why, when I am elected president, the whole process of spring ahead, fall back will be put to an end. After my inauguration on January 20, 2009, on January 21, 2009, we will spring ahead and never look back.

I don't know why the Republicans and Democrats never figured this out. I would have loved to seen them fight about this. But then again, I frequently do enjoy watching them fight. That is, until one of them actually wins... If you agree with that, you can show your support by ordering the Republicans and Democrats shirt.

Thank you, and have a great, if not slightly shortened weekend.

The Capital Punishment and Life Imprisonment System Reform Act

My fellow Americans, I have long been a supporter of the death penalty in capital felony cases. When elected president, I had no intentions of abolishing the death penalty, but lately I have had some second thoughts on the matter. I can't help but wonder if maybe there is a better alternative to execution.

Execution in this country is very costly. It has been suggested that it actually costs more - mostly in legal fees - to carry out an execution than it does to feed and house an inmate for the rest of his life. My thoughts on that have always been "you get what you pay for."

However, lately I've become inclined to consider other alternatives. Perhaps instead of execution, the punishment could be exile.

My proposal would be to take a remote location that is not, and likely will not be used. My initial proposal would be four of the Aleutain Islands off the coast of Alaska. One of these islands would be the prison. The other three, islands that surround the first, would have monitoring stations on them that would intercept or shoot down any aircraft or marine vessels attempting to approach the islands to make escape virtually impossible.

That would be the end of our involvement with these animals. Of course, we would air drop food and necessary supplies weekly, but it would be the inhabitants of the island who would be responsible for dividing, distrubting and preparing it.

Additionally, to increase security of the island, there would be an outer perimiter area which would serve a dual purpose. In this zone, we would set up sanctuaries for siberian tigers, wolves, grizzly bears and any other endangered preditors that can serve as a useful deterrant to escape. By using these endangered species, we create a demand for them, thereby making breeding them profitable.

This exile island could also be used for any prisoner sentenced to life in prison. This punishment would not only replace the death penalty, but life penalties as well.

Depending on the success of this program, variations of the exile program could be used to exile other prisoners who, perhaps would not be executed or imprisoned for life, but that we would want to eliminate from our population permenantly.

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There are many countries that are in dire need of financial aid. America could pay these countries to take in our unwanted people. Of course we will likely help out these nations either way, so why not get something in return?

My fellow Americans, hard working people of this nation, you are what make this country great. Those that prey on you have no place in this great land of ours. Elect me, and they will not have a place here.

For those of you still not convinced that this plan is better than executing our capital felons, you may wish to purchase one of these shirts to show your support for the death penalty.

Staggered Workday Tax Credit

My fellow Americans, sitting in traffic is one of my least favorite things in the world. It is like time being stolen from my life. It is like being held against my will. It is like being imprisoned without being found guilty of anything. And this jail doesn't have food or bathrooms. Unless you count the spare diapers I may have on hand. I don't count them, so no bathroom.

Sometimes these events are unavoidable. There's an accident, weather conditions, road repair - though with that one, much could be done to minimize the impact of it, since it is a planned event.

However, anybody living in a major metropolitan area knows all too well that there are scheduled traffic jams daily, roughly between the hours of 8:00-9:30 and 4:30-6:00.

When I am elected president, I propose the staggered workday tax credit. Any company with 50 or more employees on site who create a schedule breaking their hours into 3 or more equally sized tiers would be eligible for this credit. For example, a company has 100 employees. The work day for this company, utilizing this plan, would expand their office hours from, say, 9-5 to be open from 7am-6pm, having 25 people work a 7-3 shift, 25 work an 8-4 shift, 25 work 9-5 and 25 work 10-6.

Just this one company implementing this plan could potentially take 75 cars off of the road durring the current peak traffic time.

There are many benefits to this as well.

The company is available for more hours. In this global economy, that is important, as more and more companies depend on interstate and international commerce. Not everybody is in the same time zone. Yet. But I'll save that plan for another speech.

There are environmental benefits. A car stuck in traffic gets 0 MPG. Keeping traffic moving saves gasoline, produces less pollution, and cuts our dependency on foreign oil.

There are health benefits, both physical and psychological. Everybody knows the dangers of smoking, and most accept the dangers of second hand smoke as well. Being stuck in traffic behind a truck can be like being sentenced to a 15 minute stay in the gas chamber.

Additionally, stress can have physical impacts on health as well. 

My fellow Americans, commuting daily is a hardship we all must endure. Until now, everybody has accepted this and seen no need or desire to improve or change this. When I am elected, change will take place.

Support me by ordering one of these bumper stickers to show your frustration with rush hour traffic.

My name is Brian Davey, and I'm running for President.

My fellow Americans, my name is Brian Davey, and I'm running for President.

As you may have already noticed, I am not alone in this venture. There have been a few other, somewhat better known, debatably better qualified people out there that have announced similar aspirations in recent weeks.

The media is giving them far more attention than they are giving me. You would think that would upset me, but actually, it plays into my plans perfectly.

Why, you may ask?

The answer is simple. My strategy is like a stealth bomber. I fly under the radar. Invisible to all. Then, when the time is right, I strike, and drop a MOAB on the couple of people still standing.

While Hillary and Obama waste countless dollars beating eachother up, while McCain and Giuliani exchange blows, I sit. And I wait.

I admit it. I'm not a front-runner right now. If I were forced to face any of these four right now, I'd go down in flames. They're just too popular and too powerful.

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BUT... In a year and a half, these people are gonna be covered in mud, bloodied and bruised from 18 months of attacking and being attacked, and that is when I strike.

And I will coast in as the only candidate not covered with mud.

In the coming weeks, I will touch on some of my campaign ideas, but in closing for today, in order to help my campaign funds, I ask that each of you take the time to order my Choking Yankees shirt from MGApparel.com. Show your support for me, and your appreciation for seeing the yankees lose.

God bless America, and thank you for your support.

Anna Nicole Smith

MG Apparel's Anna Nicole Smith shirt. (Also available in human sizes)

I know, I know... It's not nice to make fun of the recently departed, but some things just have to be said. Besides, when you put such a bizzare life out so publicly like that, I doubt that saying what I'm about to say would even be considered making fun of her, as much as making an observation.

If you haven't figured out who I'm talking about yet, I'm worried about you. If you're reading this, you either have internet access, or you have a wonderful friend that does and was nice enough to print my blog for you so you could read it without having to shell out the big bucks for internet access. You should thank them, and tell them I said thank you also. And you can stop reading now. This will be totally lost on you if you haven't figured it out yet.

So... Anna Nicole Smith has kicked the oxygen habit. See? If you really put your mind to it, you can give up the most addictive substance on the planet. If she can do it, anybody can. Now, don't get me wrong... I'm not laughing about this... I do feel very badly for her and what she's had to go through in the past few months. I would bet that most people who had to endure what she did would probably meet similar results.

BUT... ok. This new kid... How many people are in the paternity lineup now? Is there a signup form online yet? And how much do they charge a month for advertising there? I might have to put up an MG Apparel banner there. I bet that form would get even more traffic than this blog is getting.

Right now, we have an ex-boyfriend claiming to be the father. I wonder how long he's been an ex for... and if either of them know what it would take for him to be a candidate...

We have her current... um... what is he anyways? Sorta husband, I guess, but not really? And I love the fact that his name is Howard Stern. That's just so fitting.

And now we have Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband entering the lineup. He's like 60 years old, and Zsz Zsa's 90 now. Ok, so I guess I see what those two had in common...

Now we have a bodyguard claiming he also could be the father...

I wonder if I'm missing anybody...

And how many candidates haven't come forward...

So... am I the only one who hasn't fucked Anna Nicole Smith?