Anna Nicole Smith

MG Apparel's Anna Nicole Smith shirt. (Also available in human sizes)

I know, I know... It's not nice to make fun of the recently departed, but some things just have to be said. Besides, when you put such a bizzare life out so publicly like that, I doubt that saying what I'm about to say would even be considered making fun of her, as much as making an observation.

If you haven't figured out who I'm talking about yet, I'm worried about you. If you're reading this, you either have internet access, or you have a wonderful friend that does and was nice enough to print my blog for you so you could read it without having to shell out the big bucks for internet access. You should thank them, and tell them I said thank you also. And you can stop reading now. This will be totally lost on you if you haven't figured it out yet.

So... Anna Nicole Smith has kicked the oxygen habit. See? If you really put your mind to it, you can give up the most addictive substance on the planet. If she can do it, anybody can. Now, don't get me wrong... I'm not laughing about this... I do feel very badly for her and what she's had to go through in the past few months. I would bet that most people who had to endure what she did would probably meet similar results.

BUT... ok. This new kid... How many people are in the paternity lineup now? Is there a signup form online yet? And how much do they charge a month for advertising there? I might have to put up an MG Apparel banner there. I bet that form would get even more traffic than this blog is getting.

Right now, we have an ex-boyfriend claiming to be the father. I wonder how long he's been an ex for... and if either of them know what it would take for him to be a candidate...

We have her current... um... what is he anyways? Sorta husband, I guess, but not really? And I love the fact that his name is Howard Stern. That's just so fitting.

And now we have Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband entering the lineup. He's like 60 years old, and Zsz Zsa's 90 now. Ok, so I guess I see what those two had in common...

Now we have a bodyguard claiming he also could be the father...

I wonder if I'm missing anybody...

And how many candidates haven't come forward...

So... am I the only one who hasn't fucked Anna Nicole Smith?

NJ Drivers suck. Every last one of them. Except for me, that is...

MG Apparel's If you can't see my mirrors... bumper sticker

If you've ever driven in the state of New Jersey, you've probably noticed something. And no, I'm not referring to a smell - unless you're down by Newark or passing a refinery on the parkway. No, what I'm talking about is far more annoying. And if you've ever smelled Newark, you realize what a bold statement that is.

No, the fact that I'm talking about is that not one person in this state, excluding, of course, myself - probably because I was born in NY, not NJ - is an absolutely terrible driver.

Now, don't get me wrong... I understand, many of them have their reasons... I mean, this is a state where, while two wrongs don't make a right, 3 rights do make a left. If you've never been here and seen the jug handle turns, don't ponder that last statement too long. Traffic circles are bad. Traffic circles with two lanes, however, just make no sense to me. I once saw a guy on the inside lane of one on a trip down the shore. When I came back that evening, he was still stuck in that inside lane.

And here's an interesting observation... ever get stuck in some really slow moving traffic? Hit the right lane. I'll bet 4 out of 5 times you'll be able to go much faster. My only theory on this one is that people here refuse to believe that they shouldn't be in the left lane - or on those 3 or more lane roads that there's no way they belong in the slow lane. And I agree. They don't. That's my express lane. Stay the fuck out of it please. Thank you.

And why is it that at least 3 out of 5 times when somebody pisses me off, they're in a BMW? Seriously, who put the BM in BMW? That's prolly gonna be my next bumper sticker, so don't steal that idea, ok?

One last thing... This is something I firmly believe. If somebody cuts into your lane and then goes slower than you were going, or slower than you planned on going prior to their uninvited entry to your lane, you should legally be allowed to get up along side them and push them into a jersey barrier.

Or at least you should get in front of them, where you belong, and let them know that they have caused you inconvenience and annoyance. Fortunately, while most people can't hear your screams, most NJ drivers do know a little bit of sign language.

Sure Happy It's Tuesday

MG Apparel's Sure Happy It's Tuesday shirt

Oh yeah... Happy Tuesday everybody.

Can somebody please tell me why Tuesdays almost always suck, and/or take forever to end? Yeah, it's not Monday, and we all know that Mondays suck. Sure. So Tuesday should be a lot better, right? But it isn't. Theories I have are as follows...

Expectations: We fully expect Monday to suck. Any way in which it doesn't suck is just a huge victory. Any way that it does, well, it's Monday. You expect that. Tuesday, however, is not Monday, and therefore, expectations of it are higher. It's still too early in the week to have high expectations of a day.

Reality of it all: Yeah, the weekend is still a lifetime away. Therefore, Tuesday is going to drag on, and on, and on, and on...

Time to get back to it: Admit it. You slacked on Monday, didn't you. And you used the fact that it was Monday as an excuse. Fair enough. It's a damn awesome excuse. But guess what? Now it's time to get back to work. And you know what? It will remain time to be back to work until end of day Thursday too. (Yeah, "It's Friday" is a damn good excuse too.)

Yeah, Tuesdays suck. Almost more than Mondays. But not quite.

And no, there is no Monday shirt, and probably never will be. I don't think there's anything I can say about Monday that hasn't already been said.